FURIOUSLY PISSED THE HELL OFF!!

OK So I had a good day up until the mail came. We got a package from Dana,(his ex,the kids mom) and inside was a bunch of art projects that Halie made for us and also a letter from Halie,was sweet! Dana had also sent some pics of the kids, and my babies are growing up! I cant wait until the end of next month when they are home again. I am wondering what crawled up her ass but for the moment I am not gonna question it..

So what has me pissed off is that the mail from Anthony came addressed to Angeline,of course I opened it. It was a birthday card and 10 bucks. I cant understand why he is behind thousands in child support because he "says" he doesnt have the money and cant even pay his bills. Ok, soo if he cant afford to do any of that then how in hell is he able to send the measly bday card and $? He has not done anything what so ever for her or Toni in close to 5 years,so why start now? I know I should be grateful he is at least doing that but it still makes me want to vomit and my blood boil. I seriously want to rip it up n not even tell Angeline she got it, because as small as she was when we left Ga for good, both her and toni witnessed and had gone thru  a great deal of trauma, and abuse and because of that, thats one of the reasons they both go to see a psychiatrist and angeline is in therapy. Anytime she has some sort of contact w/Anthony whatso ever from him, when he does call on the rare occaision, or anything she has nightmares and basically regresses. She will suck her thumb, (something she hasnt done in almost a year,when she begun therapy) and even goes as far as having accidents. But then again I thought of just giving her the money and ripping up the card.  In your opinon,what would you guys do?

I dunno..

Why oh why am I feeling like this? I am having some serious doubts about myself,more so than ever. I have always been super extremely self consious and it seems like after the twins, it got worse. I am down 1 pants size than I was b4 i had the babies, and yes I am loving that,but i cant help but wonder if he would be happy with someone else. Basically what I am trying to say, is I just dont feel good enough for him,I am not the best looking person in the world and today I couldnt help be hurt.. We went to lunch before grocery shopping and I was trying to get Embree situated and I glanced up and I caught him checking out one of the waitresses.. I have kept myself at a distance from him since then. Thank goodness when we got home,he got a phone call from the guy buying the camaro and he said he was on his way out to put the distributor on it. I made an excuse to go to the dollar store just to get away. Then when I got home I started making dinner. Wrestlemania was on and that occupied his time from 6-10pm.
I know I am over reacting but dang it, to see him looking at the waitress like that hurt. He has never looked at me that way.. I am confused I dunno what to do. I am constantly tired, from getting very little sleep,and it seems I am always always on the go, whether it be to n from dr appt with various children, or counseling sessions for angeline. I never had any time for myself. I am tired of just getting a shower, brushing my hair and making myself barely presentable. Today before we left, i took the time to do my hair, and I put some make up on. You would think he would notice, but nope..  I have tried talking to him but he brushes it off like its nothing, and makes me feel as if its all in my head. blah!!!!

Embree's Hearing Re-test

So Wednesday I took Embree to have that newborn hearing test re done.. I guess the one good thing that came out of it, was the letter they got said her right ear she failed and left passed, but when the audiologist tested her, it was the complete opposite. So  the dr wants her back in a month to be retested and if she fails that, they want to send her to Childrens @OU Med Center, for more extensive testing. I am scared beyond belief that something is extremely wrong,but I will try to remain positive and pray for things to be allright.  Other than that, the babies are doing wonderful and they are starting to attempt to sleep through out the night. One night they sleep thru til 6 one night they wake up for a bottle. We can certainly start to see their personalities coming out. Embree is definately the drama queen/diva.. Kaylee is the calm chill one.

I just wanted to do a quick update..Spring break is here! We have no plans,just sticking close to the house.
One of my very dear best friends whom I havent seen in 2 years is going to be here. I cant wait! She just called and is in Lawton,and will be here in 15 minutes! YAY!!! She is one of the friends I can completely be myself with and has been with me thru pure hell and back,during my divorce,my mothers passing, she was definately my rock!  I thank God every day for bringing her and my other besties, (friends I made at Stewart) into my life!
TaTa For Now!!

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP

I am about to lose my mind!! (not thatthere was much to lose BUT) Angeline has definately needing her meds adjusted or something... She has done nothing but lie about everything,and is basically back to herself before she started concerta for the adhd and the celexa for the depression.We caught her stealing over the weekend, and she refuses to listen to a word I tell her,it goes in one ear and out the other. The ONLY one she listens to is her dad. (Dave). I was thinking maybe its because of the babies, and she is having a hard time adjusting to it all and is showing it by acting out. But in the same sense, when we first took her to see Dr Armendariz and he diagnosed her with the adhd,depression,seperation and anxiety disorder,odd and ocd then started her on the meds, we seen a totally different Angeline. She was well behaved, listen and done what she was told, basically a perfect angel. Now I swear she has done sprouted another head and gone all sorts of evil..She is not due to go back to see the Dr until March. I am wondering if I can call and get her in to see him sooner..

Sunday we found out that the first friend she had ever made had passed away. Savannah was the first child she trusted. Savannah is well was a non speaking austic lil girl,but yet those 2 would play very well together at school i was told by Savannah's "helper" (the woman who stayed with her throughout the day while at school) Heres what happened, where her family lives there are several ponds that surround their property,and Savannah & her 2 brothers were outside playing and she wondered off. When her  older brother found her she had allready drowned. The younger brother was also found in the pond but the helmet he had on,saved him and the styrafoam inside the helmet kept him afloat. he was rushed to Childrens @ ou in med center in okc for precautionary measures.  It was late sunday when I found out and Angeline was in bed. I kept thinking of how it wasbest to tell Angeline,it was something I dreaded having to do, I mean come one,its not every day that you tell your 6yr old that her friend has passed away. Dave and I decided that it was best to just tel her, it was better for her to hear from us than some other children at the school. Monday morning after she was dressed I sat her down and started to explain. She teared up and just sat on the couch for  awhile being quiet. A few minutes pass and she jumps up with a big smile and says this...."Mommy, it will okay,Savannah will be ok, Grandma Berts and Nana will take care of her in heaven until her mommy n daddy get there." It took everything in my body to not bust into tears while talking to Angeline but hearing that,I could not help it.

With that being said, I am also guessing that news isnt helping Angeline any.. I just am at my wits end on what to do with the girl. I can only think of doing a couple of things, which are is to get her into see the psychiatrist (dr. armendariz) and see if he thinks she needs her meds adjusted or if there is anything else we can do, AND tell her counselor and "play" therapist to see if they can help as well.  It couldnt hurt right?!?

ON ANOTHER NOTE................

The ex jackass happened to have a brain fart and remember he has kids and called. He VERY VERY briefly talked to Angeline, I say very briefly because the entire conversation lasted less than 20 seconds, and he didnt even ask to talk to Toni. Then he proceeded to attempt to talk to me. I told him I had nothing to say to him,and didnt want to waste my time or his and that set him off. He started yelling and saying that he was going to take me to court because I kept the kids from him. HELLLLO! I was granted full physical and legal custody of the children in the divorce, any contact was at MY discretion. The judge also granted a personal protection order against him, but me being the nice person, I told him he could call the kids if he wanted to on mondays and thursdays at 730. HE was the asshat who chose not to call them anymore and he chose to stop paying child support. I have NEVER kept the kids from him.  We had a court hearing on the 17th,and of course he didnt show. I didnt have to appear, the  attorney went on my behalf. Needless to say he didnt appear, so I won by default. He is behind thousands in child supprt and is avoiding getting a job so he doesnt have to pay me anything. I also found out that he tried to claim the girls on his income tax, but somehow they found out that he was the non custodial parent and didnt have a form signed by me stating he had my permission to claim them and it all back fired in his face!  Well, now there is a motion filed to garnish wages when he does get a "real" job,and also they are going to garnish the small amount of a paycheck he does get from cleaning the building where his mother works.  We are looking into having his parental rights revoked, so that Dave can finally adopt the girls. For the last 2 years he has been the father that they never really had, and poor Toni wants it so bad, she is allready wanting to use his last name,all her school papers she writes her name as Toni Clark. As far as the child support goes, I dont care if I start receiving it again or not. I have proved to myself and everyone else that I can take care of the girls on my own, without his help. I have and will continue to do it! I dont need or want his money.

The babies are doing great, its hard to believe that tomorrow they will be a month old allready. They are doing well, we went for a well baby check and Embree is now 7lbs6oz. ( a lb and 5 oz more than her birth weight) and Kaylee is 7lbs 1oz. ( 2 lbs and a few oz more than her birth weight) I have taken a ton of pics but am seriously needing to upload them..
I have a question, it may be TMI but after i had the babies I had my tubes tied. What I was wondering if any of you have had this done and how long did the bleeding last? After toni n angeline it only lasted a week and tmw its been a month and I am still having the bleeding. Could it be that I had my tubes tied that I am still bleeding or the fact that there were 2 babies and more than normal and take a bit longer? I do not have a follow up appt with my ob for 2 more weeks n I was growing curious...

3 weeks! WOW!!!

So its officially been 3 weeks since the babies were born, and all I can say is DAYUM its rough getting adjusted to having not one but two new babies in the house. I completely forgotten what its like! In the time since we have been home, we have gone thru about 200 diapers! Shocking huh? I am extrememly grateful for the baby showers and the many gifts of diapers! We still have 4 cases of newborns diapers yet to be opened and also about 10 or more packages  of various sized diapers. I am simply amazed at how many we have used.But I am seriously loving it,the diaper changes,the freshly bathed baby smell,EVERYTHING!! I do have one complaint! It seems every single time we are out and about, we get asked, are they twins? Our response,Yes, (even tho I wanna be a smart ass and say nope we just went to the hospital & stole someone else baby and dress them alike)The next question is Are they identical, Our response,No. They are fraternal. Their next question is how can ya tell em apart?  And the final question is are they both boys? Geez people, they are sitting in PINK car seats,have headbands or bows in the hair,and are wearing PINK OR PURPLE clothes! What do you think? Why yes, they are boys, we just want them to grow up being drag queens!  I told Dave one day that I wanted a shirt made up that said "Yes they are twins, NO they are not identical,YES they are GIRLS" I know people with twins must get frustrated with all the questions that random strangers ask.I know I do! I mean come on,use some common sense people! Dont get me wrong I love my babies, but sometimes the attention we get when we are in public is nerve wracking!!!  There have been some realllllly sweet people we have met, who had offered some awesome advice,and have just been sweet.  I am defiantely sleep deprived! the babies average waking up every 2-3 hours for diapers or bottles and i am ashamed to say that I have raised my voice with Dave, cause it seemed that he was sleeping on purpose and not wanted to help with the babies,but he was honestly knocked out cold. I was just upset that it seemed I was doing all the work in the middle of the night, BUT shame on me, Dave said there have been a few times where the role was reversed & I was the one who was sleeping n he got up with the girls. I felt sooo awful I cried.I did apologize and he said it was ok, but I felt and still feel terrible!
Dave had 10 days of paternity leave and I was sad to see him go back. He has been super dee duper with helping with the babies. Hes done everything! I know its wrong,but I secretly compared him to how the ex asshat was with the older girls when I had them. I had to do everything, all he was good for was holding then and playing with them when they got older and he wasnt intoxicated. Lord knows I didnt dare tell Dave what I had thought. It would have hurt his feelings.

Sooooo one of the babies is awake and its my clue to get off here.. Love ya Peeps! I am sorry I have been quiet n not very talkative, I will try to be more active.. I am not ignoring anyone..

I Know Something You Dont!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, there is been a really big secret I have been keeping from all of you. Well not just my friends but my family as well.. Its nothing bad by any means,I just cant hold it in anymore.  I myself am still  in some sort of shock, but I trully honestly believe this was the best most wisest descision I could have ever made. Last time I done it for all the wrong reasons and  at the time my family EVERYONE told me it was a bad bad mistake. Needless to say I did not listen and they were right. But anyway, here goes............Ya ready? Good cause I am!

December 28,2010 Dave & I got married!!  We were gonna wait until after the babies were born and have a decent church wedding,but many things just kept happening and we figured if we didnt do then, it would never happen. We went to the court house and done the J.O.P. thing and it was over with. We kept it really low key. It was crazy to do it without telling anyone but we have our reasons as to why it was done that way. 

 I honestly believe he is the one for me,I can be myself around him and not live in constant fear of being hit or screamed at because I done something wrong, or couldnt keep the kids quiet. I dont have to worry about any of the abuse I endured during my last marriage. The ONLY good things to have come out of that marriage were my girls! Dave is everything I always wanted for myself but never in a milion years pictured I Would have. He loves me for ME! He accepted my girls with open arms and has expressed in officially adopting them. The girls have loved him from day 1 and have always called him Daddy. He is the father they never had. I had my doubts and concerns about them meeting,but its a move I do not regret. He puts us and his older kids from his 1st marriage before himself. He is generally a wonderful man! I love and have accepted his children as my own. My life is finally complete! I feel so much at peace with Dave. I now know the meaning of happiness! I still have a hard time accepting everything about Dave. Its like its too good to be true! I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. I really let the years of mental abuse with Anthony get to me, He had me believing that I Was a no good piece of crap who would never amount to anything,or never "be enough of a woman to make any man happy"

 The ironic thing is that I met Dave back at Stewart. We had breifly met thru Anthony one day and had seen each other from time to time.. Unfortunately he & asswipe were in the same unit in Korea and Stewart. We had always been civil saying helllo when seeing one another,but it was always left at that. Late winter of 2009, I was online talking to a good friend and she had mentioned a friend of her and her hubby that was deployed and welll to make a long story short, Dave & I were reunited.. We started our relationship online,(corny I know!) and exchanged phone calls emails and countless im's during the course of his deployment. We made plans to meet up during his r&r over the summer. I thought it was never progress to anything other than friendship.But during r&r and after he returned to Afghanistan, things turned for the better. I figured it wouldnt work out due to him being stationed at ft campbell and I lived in Ok.

BUTTTTTTT, he was up for reenlistment and was able to get Ft Sill.. He re-upped and after deploying home, he wasnt due to pcs until nov of 2010,but things worked out and the pcs was final in May! Lets just say the rest is history!!

We are waiting for a bit to tell our families,as sad as it is, My own father doesnt know we got married and he lives in my house with us. My dad knows we are planning on getting married one day but he is clueless as to when. I know my dad isnt stupid and probably has his suspicions. But we are happy and thats all that matters, right? We are planning on telling everyone after the girls are born that we got married. 

After my divorce, I told myself that I was never going to get married again. If every marriage was like my first, I wanted nothing more to do with the crap!! I was content with being single. I was focused on raising my girls and being home with my family, where I always belonged but ran away from. Yeah I was young and dumb! Dave came along and shown me that there really are good men out there, and they are not all the same.

I am once again a military wife, and as weird as it sounds, its so much different this time around! Its awesome! I am 200% happy with my life, and every aspect of it.. Like I said, I am complete! I just wanted to clue my closest friends on my "secret"! I must ask you of one favor, please dont say anything about it on my FB,as to the majority of my family is on there and we are not ready for them to know.  They will know soon enough!

Here I am STILLL PREGO!!!!!!!

Ok Sillio.. I got it.. heres my blog!!!!!
I am 36wks 5 days prego with these babies.. I never thought I would make it this far! I figured I Would have delivered by now.. I have a few friends who are mommies of twins & by now they had allready given birth. Why must I be the exception? LMAO But seriously I am suprised I am still round with babies. GIven the complications I am honestly shocked! This by far has been the most difficult pregnancy! With the older girls, I had no complications and the pregnancy was a breeze! I bet if the twins were first I definately wouldnt have wanted anymore kids.  I will not complain any more. The twins by far are a precious gift from above and I am excited and cant wait another week to finally be able to hold them... Wednesday I go in for my last appt,Thursday or Friday should be the big day!! Unless by some strange chance they decide they wanna come out before then,but even with the gentle encouragement from me,they are notwanting to budge!

lol ok getting confused from going back n forth from here and FB.. so toodles for now!